


Words I never got to say

by clexa_alltheway



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, F/F, Heartache, Heartbreak, Love Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29751993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexa_alltheway/pseuds/clexa_alltheway
Summary: After Lexa died, Clarke receives a box.In the box was things that she never imagined.Love lettersIn the anniversary of Lexa's death
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	1. Before you open this,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Post soon

In this box, there are several things. Letters, candles, a map, my headpiece, and a piece of fabric. The letters are the ones that I wrote to you in hope that you’ll one day read them. The candles are a gift from me. Candles is one of my favorite things and I hope that you enjoy them like I did. My headpiece is something to hold onto as I wish that you’ll think of me at some point of the day. The piece of fabric is something that you might recognize. It is the sash that I wear everyday as a mark that I’m heda. I have had several sashes over the years but I wanted to give you one. It’s the most used sash and also the sash that I had with me when I first met you. Call me sentimental but it’s something that I treasure. I hope that you won’t throw these away and keep it somewhere with you. Hope these will be enough to convince you of my feelings towards you and to be a reminder of myself. Just know that I loved you so much as much as I need oxygen to breathe, as much as the sun needs the moon. Even though I have to leave now, I’ll forever be waiting for you. In this life and the next until the rest of time.

– Lexa -


	2. Letter no.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the mountain...

Dear Clarke,

I know that you’ll never read this and even though I’ll probably never give this to you I wanted to write to you. I have no reason to write this and if you see this, just think of this as something of me to hold onto.

I just got back from the mountain where I left you. I know we had a plan to save everyone and I’m sorry for leaving you. It was never my intention to hurt you in any way but I guess I already did. All my life I was taught to decide head over heart and there wasn’t a day that goes by without me thinking about it. I know ‘love is weakness’ isn’t ideal but I think that it is a way to protect me from hurting myself or others. It is to cut out any possibility of something else rather than leading my people come first and to prevent me from having to make a decision where I have to choose either someone I love or my people. But today I almost made the decision to decide my heart over my head. I wasn’t going to take the deal from Emerson and fight side by side with you but he had missiles headed to Polis and Arcadia all while threatening your safety. I know you think that I left you to die but he promised me he and his people won’t lay a hand on you if I leave. At first, I didn’t believe he had missiles but there was also a slight chance that he had people on you and some missiles aiming at the coalition and I wasn’t going to take that chance and let him kill my people and you. So, I took the deal and left the mountain. If I ever see you again, I don’t think that I’ll tell you what Emerson said to me. I rather you hate me then to be one of those people who died there. I think that if you asked, there would be nothing that would stop me from doing it for you.

It was the hardest decision of my life leaving you there. Where something can go badly wrong to you in any second. The mountain is one of the dangerous places on Earth and I think that I left my heart there with you. I don’t think that I’ll ever get it back or ever get even a single piece of your heart in return. After I saw your face, I already knew that what we had or what we could have had was all gone and turned into dust. All destroyed by me.

I thought that I knew heartbreak and loss but I don’t think I really did. I lost a lot of people around me as it is a burden of being a leader but it would never measure up to the feeling of losing you. I tried to mask my feelings in front of you and I think I did it well. I know that you are strong and you’ll make it out alive but there is still a part of me that is doubting everything. The journey back to Polis was hard. All I wanted to do was to turn back around and help you but we both know that there is no way I could have done that. I was in the front of my army with tears. It was the second time in my life that I cried over someone.

I told you that being a leader is making a sacrifice and I know that by heart by now but I never wanted you to make another sacrifice for someone. I just want you to be happy and relieved from all this burden of being a leader even though it won’t be by my side. I know that you were born for this just as I but this world is too cruel for someone so pure as you. I know that you don’t think that but I promise if you let me, I’ll fix that until my dying breath. And by then, I hope you learn that you are incredible in every way and you are just temporarily tainted by the cruelness and violence in this world.

I just got the news that you killed everyone in the mountain, saved your people but didn’t go inside Camp Jaha. I don’t know what to think. Should I be happy that you are alive or should I be sorry for you to be carrying all that burden? After I heard the news, I just wanted to drop everything and go find you. But I know that you would like to be alone and even if you meet someone you wouldn’t want it to be me.

I once told you that you should visit Polis as it would change the way you think about us grounders and you said that I already did. I hope that you didn’t change your mind about us and even if you did you shouldn’t change your mind because of me. You should change your mind after seeing my people not me because I am the worst of them all and I’m no one to be judged for my people. I just hope that you will come back, not even to me but just to your people so you could be safe. Know that you’re loved by everyone and they will fight for you.

Love,

Lexa


	3. Letter no.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ice Queen put a bounty on your head.

Dear Clarke,

I heard that the Ice queen put a bounty on your head. Just so you know, I’m doing everything to keep you safe. I don’t think that you will see it that way but I hope you eventually get that it was for your safety. I wanted you to come back on your own terms but it seems that it couldn’t be your choice. I asked Roan, the heir of Azgeda, to bring you back to me and I hope you aren’t harmed. He was in our dungeons since Costia’s death as he was the one to bring her to me. I worry about you and I hope that you’ll come back safely.

My people started calling you Wanheda. I don’t think that you’ll like that title and wouldn’t want it and I don’t want you to have that title as it would end either way: you dying or saving people and feeling guilt from that title alone. Having a title is a burden. I learned it in a harsh way while I ascended to the throne. Everyone looks at you like you are a hero but everything feels like you’re a monster. It would feel like you’re all alone and everyone would look to you for the solutions to the problems they have. It would feel like you don’t have a solution for them and you’re letting them down but don’t fear Clarke. There are people to help you: your friends, mom, and hopefully me. I just want you to be happy but I think that it would take a while or I will die trying. I hope that you will let me in to help or guide you to become a leader or simply someone who is respected.

Even though Wanheda isn’t a title that you will like, people call you that with respect. They are happy after the people came back from the mountain and are forever grateful for you.

While Roan is tracking you, I bought some art supplies for you. I know that you love drawing so I bought a sketchbook, some charcoal, paint, and some paintbrushes. I’ll leave them in your quarters for you to use. Polis has a great view and the second most beautiful view in Polis is your room. I think that you’ll like drawing the landscape there. I hope that you’ll enjoy the things that I sent to you. Hope that at least in your sleep, you’ll have some peace. Just know that I dream about you every day.

Love,

Lexa


	4. Letter no.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for Clarke to be brought to Polis.

Dear Clarke,

I was walking through the market in a disguise so no one would notice me and that’s when I heard it. Some of the merchants were talking about me and how I’m the longest reigning heda. It hit me like a train. I know that as heda we don’t get to live long. We usually don’t even make it past a year and I made it to three. Death surrounds me wherever I go as I’m heda and I killed thousands of people. With you around I didn’t think about my death a lot. On the contrary, I dreamt about me living. But I think that it’s time that I recognize myself. I, Lexa kom Trikru, heda of the coalition would probably die soon. It would be an assassination attempt or even just everyday war. Death is inevitable and it comes to hedas a lot faster than other people. I just wish that I could tell you that I love you before I die.

There is a big chance that I will never get to that so I asked one of my most trusted handmaiden called Jemma to deliver you this box when I die as my last parting gift with the answers to your unanswered questions, things that I hope you would hold onto as a reminder of me, my love for you and as a sign that I’m always there, the words I never got to say to you and the dreams that I wished to accomplish alongside you. I also left a mini note about what’s in this box and the reasons they are there.

If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead and Jemma would have delivered this as promised. I have a lot of things that I wanted to say to you but I just want to say this first. I love you. I loved you when I first laid my eyes on you, I loved you when I betrayed you and I will always love you in this life and the next. I know you might blame yourself for not being able to save me but know that it wasn't your fault. It was simply my time to go. After I leave this world, I wish for you to live freely not just survive as it was the time of my life living freely with you by my side. I do not fear death as it is my destiny but I have lots of regret as to not being able to spend a lot of time with you.

Love you today, tomorrow and every tomorrow after that for the rest of time,

Lexa


	5. Letter no.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is brought to Polis

Dear Clarke,

You are here. You’re safe. It’s all I need to know.

You spit on my face and you were angry with me for bringing you here. I want you to know that when there isn’t a threat to you, you can go back to your people. I saw you with so much anger and guilt and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you to feel guilty and as you do, blame me for everything. I want you to be happy and if it makes you happy, blame it all on me. Every pain and every suffering you went through. I would take it all and wouldn’t expect you to give anything back. I hope that one day I could tell you that there wasn’t any other choice and it was the right one to save your people. It would take time but I wish you could accept it. If you didn’t, the mountain wouldn’t have stopped.

You wished that you didn’t want to see me so I won’t go to you even though everything says to go to you. I hope that nothing will come up so you can have your time. I’m used to ignoring Lexa and embracing the commander in me but it was hard doing so while leaving your room. Sometimes, in the middle of the night I walk through the halls that your room is located in to just feel close to you. I sit in front of your door just to feel calm.

When I sleep the spirit of the commanders usually speak to me, but with you in the tower all I see is a life with you. A life where we were simply together, a life where you told me you love me, a life where there was peace and we had all the time in the world to be free and love each other, a life where we were wives, a life where we lived among the trees with our children running around, a life with us leading our people side by side and so many other lives we could have had. The possibilities are endless. But I just want a life where I don’t have to die and leave you in this harsh world.

I wish that I could promise you that I’ll never leave your side but we both know that is a promise I could never keep even though I badly want to. So, I’ll make a promise that I can keep. I promise to always come back to you. Even though I may leave, I’ll always come back to you. In this life and the next, I’ll always find you and I hope that in that life we could have more time to just simply be. My mother used to say that home is not always a place rather a person and I didn’t believe that until I met you. You are my home, my always, and my soulmate. I’ll always come home, home back to you.

After I met you, the urge to dream and wish for something to be mine was stronger than ever. I wished for you to be safe, I wished for you to love me as I do, I wished for us to be happy even though it may not be together, I wished for us to be bonded together, I wished for us the chance to create our family, I wished to make your people my people and together it would be our people, I wished to take away your burdens, I wished to be the person that makes you smile and you to be the person to make me smile.

I know that I don’t smile a lot but just know that it was always you that made me smile as you were my sun and I was the moon orbiting around you.

You brought my walls down like it was nothing and frankly I don’t think that I wanted to stop you. You just had a way to make me feel safe. I hope my presence is something that you’ll come to enjoy just like I did. I’ll probably be doing my duties nonstop so there wouldn’t be any time to think as all my thoughts lead to you. Waking up I think about you, I’m in a meeting and I think about you, I’m eating and I think about you, I’m training and I think about you, I go to sleep thinking about you and I’m waking up again all while thinking about you. I want to know how you are doing, what you are feeling, if something doesn’t fit your taste, your favorite things or even any little thing about you. I realized that we don’t know each other well as there wasn’t any time so here is some random things about me.

I was born approximately 18 years ago in a small town in Trikru. It was surrounded with a lot of trees and that is where I learned to climb them. The village was beautiful. People helped each other and it was like my safe haven. My mother was a beautiful lady. She was a healer like you. She died by the Azgeda rebels storming through our village. I was saved by Anya who was there to protect us. From there she learned that I was a nightblood and brought me to Polis and became my Fos. My father was a warrior. He fought with the mountain men one day and never came back.

I was 7 summers when I was brought to Polis. I trained a long time for being Heda and eventually ascended 3 years ago. I learned about our cultures, gonasleng, leadership, and read a lot of books. I then built my coalition and after my 1-year reign, Costia was taken by Azgeda and was eventually killed. Anya was my Fos but she wasn’t just that. She was the sister I never had. Gustus was also family. He eventually took the role of a father figure and we were close. We would both risk our lives to save the other. When I had to kill Gustus and Anya died, there wasn’t anyone left who knew me not just as the commander but as Lexa, a girl who likes to read. But there was you. You didn’t really get to know the Lexa in me but you have seen a part of it and I think its enough to know that you have seen me. The real me.

I loved a lot of things such as books and candles. I have a stash in my quarters and I at least have 20 candles lighten up in my room. I don’t like the darkness as it reminds me of my loneliness so I put a lot of candles on. I have a library in the outskirts of Polis. They have books from the old world and I love to read them. Also, I read a book from the old world. It was romantic and I think that a line from the book was written just so you could know how I feel about you. Here it is:

_It was love_

_At first sight, at last sight,_

_At ever and ever sight_

-Vladimir Nabokov-

I know that I’m hard to read and I don’t express much of my feelings but I hope at some point of my life that I could tell you that I love you without any regret. And I hope that one day that you’ll say those words back to me with your blue eyes filled with love. I hope that I’ll live enough to be at the other end of your stares, the other end of your love, the other end of your care. I hope that I’ll get the privilege to call you _niron_ or _ai hodnes_.

If we have peace, I want to bring you to the library and my village. If I don’t get that chance here is a map that is marked with the places I wanted to bring you to. I hope that you’ll have the time to travel there. They have a breathtaking view and its all the places I’ve loved and all the places I go to run away from my duties. Remember that I think no view is beautiful without you in it.

Love,

Lexa


	6. Letter no.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa swore fealty to Clarke

Dear Clarke,

I swore fealty to you today. I have no regrets as it was something I wanted to do for a long time. In my culture, swearing fealty to another is a gesture of love. It is used in the ceremony for bonding. Even though we probably wouldn’t be able to get to that step with each other, but it was worth every moment of it. Usually people swear fealty two times. Once while they are dating and the other is when they get bonded. Even though it wasn’t in any of that context, all I could think was I at least got to swear fealty to you once. After you left, all I could imagine is what it could have been when we are going to reach that step. We would rule together and I’ll call you ai kwin, my other half, my love, my everything. I know you don’t trust me but I hope I can earn that trust in time to say that I love you without having to burden you.

Being heda was hard. I never showed it to anyone but it drained me every time I came back from war. I’ve seen death and destruction everywhere I go but I could never get used to it. And I don’t wish for anyone to get used to it, especially you. Life will throw every obstacle at you and you’ll get through them one at a time. I know you are wondering how I know that and it’s because you’re Clarke Griffin. You are extraordinary and even though life seems to make everything worse you’ll get through it. Life is unfair and cruel but you’ll excel. It will be hard to get there but you will. There will come a time where you have to choose between two options and both options may not be ideal but I know you’ll make the right choice. Follow your heart, as I never got to do that for you.

I love you. I love when you smile, I love it when you furrow your eyebrows when you are concentrating on something, I love your blue eyes and how they seem to guide me everywhere. I love that you are selfless. But have some time to yourself. I love you.

_Because_

_I could watch you_

_for a single_

_minute_

_And find_

_A thousand things_

_That I love_

_About you_

So I’ll wait for that day when I hear you say don't drop me cause I’m hoping to land in your hands.

Love,

Lexa


	7. Letter no.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The massacre took place.

Dear Clarke,

Pike slaughtered my armies today. At first, I was so angry at Pike. But now, I’m just angry at the world for not giving you time -not giving us time. Can’t we have just a moment where it could be just Lexa and Clarke without all our responsibilities? I guess not.

I think that you’ll have to leave soon as you’ll have to save your people again. It’s what we do. Whatever happens both of us can never leave our people and I love you for that. I hope that you’ll be able to return again but it would be hard or it would take a lot of time. I’ll slip a letter into your bag before you leave.

_I know I have a heart like a wild thing_

_with snapping jaws and matted fur_

_but I’d hang up my hands on hooks for you,_

_pluck out all of my sharp teeth_

_for the chance to be_

_easy._

Remember when we first met? I was intrigued by your confidence and the way you held yourself. The first thing that I said to you was “You’re the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive.” I think that even in our first meeting I was right. You’re the one. You’re the one for me, you are the love of my life, you’re my happy ending, you’re my forever and ever.

And I hope that I get to be the one for you.

Love,

Lexa


	8. Letter no.7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is about to leave Polis

Dear Clarke,

Clarke, I’m hear writing this letter with you by my side. You are going to leave soon so I wanted to write to you. You look so beautiful in your sleep. You look so peaceful. I never thought that you’ll return my affections back but I guess I was wrong. I hope that I get another chance to have you lay by my side.

Being here with you even if it wasn’t for a long time meant everything to me. It’s all I ever imagined and more. I know you have to go but I just want to be selfish and keep you here but we both know that I’m not going to hold you back. I don’t want to pop our bubble, keep ourselves in here in this bed, ignore everything and just spend our lives together. I was going to say that I love you but I stopped. I didn’t want to corner you to saying something back that you might not mean and I don’t want you to be held back.

It will be hard convincing the ambassadors and clans to not attack Arcadia but I’ll hold them back so you can do your thing. I already have some guards waiting for you and Octavia to help escort you to the barricade. I hope that we can meet again after all this is over. I’m looking at you and I just want to say this:

_I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life,_

_but if_

_every single one_

_had to happen to make sure I was_

_right here,_

_right now,_

_to meet you,_

_then I forgive myself_

_for them all._

-K. Towne Jr.-

I forgive myself for every mistake that I made so that I can meet you. I hope you can do the same and I’m hoping that I’ll be enough.

Don’t doubt my love for you as there’s two things that I’ll forever be sure of: the sun will always fall for the moon, and I will always fall for you. I choose you. And I’ll choose you, over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you.

I’m scared that I’ll stay here being in love with you, waiting for you and in the end, you’ll just leave. But I have hope that you’ll come back to me. It might take a long while for us to meet again but I’ll be waiting for you. Even if it lasts forever, I’ll always wait for you. Even in my death, I’ll wait for you. So, please come back to me.

You once said that life is about more than just surviving. You were right as always. With you life always felt more than just surviving so I need you to come back to me. Even if I die, don’t be afraid as I will always be with you. Feva en otaim.

_I love you,_

_and will love you_

_from this shore_

_to the next._

_You are the one,_

_my just enough_

_my more than,_

_my every day_

_and someday,_

_my peace_

_and safety,_

_my always_

_and again._

_Wherever you go_

_I promise you,_

_I shall follow._

If I die, I just want you to be happy. If you find someone who makes you happy, go for it. Even if it isn’t me and even if I want to be the one to make you happy, the one to make you smile. You deserve it. You deserve everything. You deserve the whole world, so just be happy. Just know that you were my whole world and all it took was you to fall from the sky to make me feel whole, make me feel like there is hope, make me feel all the things that I never thought that I could have, make me know that life is about more than just surviving, make me feel like this world is less cruel, make me feel happy, make me smile, and make me feel safe.

I told you that I’ll come back to you as you are my home, my everything so I’ll say this. We will meet again. Even if it’s not in this life, we will meet again as when you and I meet I feel like the stars are aligned and every thing is finally okay. I swear I'll come back home to you. Home. Life was black and white without you, and now after everything, my life is filled with colors because of you.

I hope that I die as I am fighting and protecting you, my love, as that is everything I wished to have achieved in this life. I hope I was successful in saving you as that is my destiny, legacy, and my ultimate goal. If I was successful, don’t be sad as it made me the happiest person in the world to have saved you.

Love,

Lexa


End file.
